Many individuals struggle with the issue of forgiving others but not being able to forget the original hurt. The above continuum shows 4 levels on the forgiveness scale (forget, recall, nurse, remember) and the relationship to healing or hurting. When the original hurt is constantly remembered, the pain does not disappear. When the individual’s memory has been triggered by an event that the original hurt is recalled, he/she has an option to either dismiss the memory or to relive it and in essence bring it back to life – re-experiencing much of the original pain. If the memory can be dismissed, the healing can continue. The original forgiveness takes place between the “recall” and the “nurse” stage. When an individual is able to truly forget the original hurt, the pain is eliminated and the healing is complete.
Many times you can identify what stage a person is in based on the way he/she describes the memory.
• Forget – “Oh, I don’t even remember that you did that.”
• Recall – “Yes, that is true but we were able to work it through.”
• Nurse – “That time that you called me a “blank”, it still eats at me.”
• Remember – “I forgave them, but I haven’t forgotten!”
The secret to moving along the continuum is the individual’s own freedom of choice. Victim thought patterns will keep a person at the remembering or hurting side of the continuum. Acceptance thought patterns will move a person toward the forgetting and the healing side of the continuum.
We cannot change the past, but we can change the future.
© 2010 Jim Lindell – Thorsten Consulting Group, Inc.